The #1 Cause of Problems in a Relationship
I had SO MUCH FUN leading the Every Day Love Challenge a week ago and I am committed to the message that love is a practice. Gone are the days when we believe that all we have to do is find “the one” and then we are blissfully happy forever and ever.
One of the days in the challenge was so powerful, I knew I had to write about it with you.
Ready for the #1 cause of all problems in relationships?
SELF ABANDONMENT.
It takes a lot of courage to take responsibility for our lives and not everyone does. Many people are single and suffering, complaining its dating websites that are the problem, men that are the problem, their city that’s the problem. Many people are suffering in relationships complaining things would be different if only their partner would change or their circumstances would change (more time/more money/more blah blah blah…) but turns out everything changes when we commit to not abandoning OURSELVES.
Ever.
I want to share with you the most common ways self abandonment looks and what you can do to begin changing this TODAY.
The number ONE way we self abandon is making someone else responsible for how we feel.
Whether you are single or already in a relationship, we make someone else responsible for how we feel when it’s up to them to determine our worth and our value. We make someone else responsible for how we feel when whatever the other person is doing or not doing is keeping us from being happy. Emotional mastery is a part of every single program I run and the deepest work I do with clients. It takes time to transform this! It takes time to practice radical honesty to even see the ways we are doing this.
I noticed this many years ago when I began as a dating coach and how many women were on top of the world if they had a date and down in the dumps if they didn’t. Someone’s entire mood would change if they got a text! THAT is being a prisoner of Love and you my darling are a PIONEER. A PIONEER of Love. THE leading lady of your life.
Research has shown long term married couples who reported still being in love all had this in common – each took responsibility for their own emotions.We give up blame because it is only then that we have a chance at connecting from Love. If you’ve been struggling with dating, I want you to really see have you’ve been waiting for someone else to make you happy? Waiting for someone else to give you a reason to feel free? Waiting for someone else to make you feel worthy? You are always responsible for how you feel. Yes, people impact us, but at the end of the day if we can’t manage our own emotions it is simply a North Star into deeper healing. What would it be like to be happy right now?
The second way we self abandon is by avoiding our feelings.
We make someone else responsible for how we feel and we avoid our feelings all together. You can’t “positive think” your way through difficult emotions. This isn’t about “just being happy.” This is about opening to the full range of the magical human experience and truly being there for yourself.
We avoid our feelings in so many ways:
- Staying busy all the time
- Drinking alcohol
- Eating too much sugar
- Numbing out by scrolling Facebook/Instagram
- Focusing on others rather than ourselves
To name a few. I think the biggest one is being BUSY all the time. We are all moving so fast, of course we struggle to have our feelings! On top of that, we live in a culture that is all about “just be happy”, so then when we are struggling with deeper feelings, we make ourselves wrong for it and simply ignore them. When we are doing this, we are abandoning ourselves.
You must learn how to have your back – being there for yourself on those difficult days and give yourself what you need. I watch countless women date from the place of thinking that having a partner will cure them of grief and pain and loneliness. I’m so sorry to report that no one can take that away from you. Our feelings are GIFTS from our heart. They are how our heart communicates with us. We must be willing to give ourselves space to feel, to embrace how we feel, recognizing that no feeling lasts forever! They come and go, ebb and flow.
How often are you truly spending time with yourself?
Are you doing the work to get to KNOW yourself?
Dating strategies mean nothing if we aren’t learning how to truly BE with ourselves and commit to filling our own hearts, and there we access our own pleasure.
Your loneliness is calling you to you. It is true that when you enjoy your own company you don’t feel alone. It is true when you are connected to something greater than yourself, you know you are never alone. When you are present, you can pay attention to how you FEEL when you’re with someone, rather than being stuck in your head about the “right” thing to do, or whether or not they like you or whether or not you look ok.
Which brings us to final way we self abandon: being in our heads rather than our hearts.
We are in our head when we are analyzing someone’s every move, obsessing about the right or wrong thing to say or do, focused on whether or not we are liked or struggling to believe we are worthy and deserving of our dreams. Avoiding our feelings and being in our heads goes hand in hand.
Do you long to connect with your heart?
To cultivate radical self Love?
To commit to stop self abandoning?
The gift of a relationship is there is no magic bullet, no magic secret. You can learn it ALL. You can heal, you can learn exactly what it takes to create a GREAT relationship. Deeper than that, create a LIFE you love and are proud of.
I have spaces for 2 new 1:1 clients and I would love to help you. If you resonate with this, if you know you’ve read all the books, read all the blogs and are still struggling to connect with your heart, there is hope for you. Reply to this email and let’s talk.
Sending you so much Love,
