Love Letter: Navigating Intimacy Fears (4/13/22)

Andrew and I are off to our babymoon in Charleston this weekend! I am really looking forward to a weekend away. We have been together for eight years now, and I’ve learned a couple of things about intimacy! 

We think intimacy is about sex and it’s not. So many of us crave closeness from our partners, and yet so many are deeply afraid of being seen, known, understood, and really loved. 

Vulnerability is required for intimacy, and vulnerability is about honesty. Vulnerability is also about our ability to hold ourselves in our deepest fears and feelings rather than expecting someone else to make us happy. 

Are you someone who has been afraid of intimacy or attracting unavailable people? Keep reading! 

Your midweek mantra is, “Fear does not have to lead my life and I don’t have to be fearless. I lean into love instead.” ✨

EVERYONE has intimacy fears. Everyone. 

The difference is the people who let fear lead their behavior and the people who let fear simply follow behind. 

Intimacy is risky because, for many of us, it either: 

1. brings us into childhood memories of being abandoned or engulfed or 

2. it brings us close to our authentic self (which feels scary to be exposed!)
…or, of course, both!

Healthy love is confronting because we will be asked to believe in our worth and goodness, and we will be asked to behave like adults. 

A lot of people refuse to take the risk of love because they don’t want to bear rejection – this looks like people who reject first or keep choosing unavailable people. 

Others are so desperate for closeness that they ignore red flags and settle for the intermittent reinforcement of relating, which is it only feels good every once in a while rather than consistently. This is settling for crumbs. 

Lots of feelings come up for all of us when we get close to someone. 

It IS scary to love someone so much, care so much, and open our hearts fully. 

It is always worth it, and it takes courage, over and over again, to let ourselves be seen and known, to tell the truth, and to be with whatever feelings arise when real love presents itself. 

This is what healing work is, and this is what happens in coaching and group work. We practice real intimacy. 

May we all have compassion for our deepest feelings and choose a partner our souls are safe with. 

Check out The New Truth podcast episode from this week, “Dating Boundaries 101.” We’re teaching you how to stay connected to yourself when dating – and learn the difference between boundaries and standards. We show you how to communicate your truth and how to make sure your boundaries aren’t walls!

I love you,