Love Letter: Secrets to a Successful Relationship (5/11/22)
Happy Wednesday!
For many years I have shared the statement, “you are ready for a healthy relationship when you are comfortable with change and uncertainty.” We live in a culture that wants guarantees and I especially see this in relationships.
One of the main reasons some relationships fall apart is because people think what it’s like at the beginning of a relationship is what it will always be.
I have been with Andrew for eight years now and I could say we’ve had eight different relationships during that time. The character of who we are doesn’t change, but we do, as people and so does our relationship.
People stay in horrible relationships because they don’t want to change, stay in jobs they hate because they are afraid of change, and waste extraordinary amounts of energy trying to GET people to change (I did this with my ex).
But a successful relationship adapts to change.
Your midweek mantra is, “I allow people to see who I really am and I let people show me who they really are. I embrace the changes in my life and no longer waste energy trying to make people changeI am willing to see with clear eyes. I am willing to ask the hard questions. I am willing to be imperfect.”✨
Emotional maturity has a lot to do with someone’s capacity to handle change.
As humans, this is hard for us, and I get that so many people have the pattern of trying to GET their partner to be different right at the beginning of a relationship rather than accepting them for who they are.
Trying to change someone looks like…
❌ wanting them to want a relationship with you when they don’t
❌ wanting them to be more available than they are
❌ wanting them to get support when they are unwilling to do so
It also looks like deciding that you’ll be the reason they get well / get sober / open their heart / or become a more functional adult. The part of us that tries to get someone else to change is in our inner child.
It’s our wounded inner child still waiting / wishing / hoping for the childhood they never had.
The best starting point of a relationship is first embodying your self-worth and your own self-acceptance, trusting that who you are is enough. Then you can do the work of getting to know someone and discovering how you two function in life together.
People do change, but not usually because someone else forces them to.
People will change because that’s the nature of being human.
Part of love is embracing change, embracing what life brings, but the CHARACTER of who someone is will stay the same, and that’s what you look for when you date.
You look for the consistency of how someone reveals themselves to you – their behavior, capacity to have hard conversations with you, and how they treat you.
Stop wasting energy trying to get someone to be different, and instead use your energy to create the life you are proud of, love yourself, and trust that who you are is enough.
Let people show you who they are and believe them – stop trying to change them.
Check out The New Truth podcast episode from this week, “How to Let Go of the Fear of Being Alone.” We dive deeply into what causes the fear of being alone, what perpetuates this fear in women – and why it’s one of the number one reasons women tolerate or engage in toxic relational dynamics. This episode is packed full of gems that will guide you to love being alone, so you can attract the highest quality love!
Love,
