Love Letter: What makes happy couples different (6/29/22)

If you are in the United States and you are a person with a uterus, I know this message comes to you with heaviness. It is a devastating time here in this country and a lot has been on my heart since the Friday Supreme Court ruling, overturning Roe v. Wade. All of your feelings are welcome here, I certainly have a lot of them, and we’ve got a lot of work to do in this country. 

Our choice of who we spend our time with, and our choice of romantic partner has TREMENDOUS effects on our mental, physical and emotional health. It is not a decision to be made lightly. 

You know I have shared time and time again that there really ARE ways to create a healthy relationship and everyone can learn them, and everyone can heal. No one is “doomed” in the relationship department.

Our fantasy thinking is that with the right person we will “just know” just like fantasy thinking is to imagine that things will change in our lives without our active participation. I am sharing today one of the core practices of happy couples and it’s this:  they never take each other for granted. 

Your midweek mantra is, “I am a gift to my partner and they are a gift to me.”✨

Taking your partner for granted is a pattern many people can fall into, but it doesn’t mean you have to stay there. 

Your partner is a gift to you and you are to THEM. 

In the happiest relationships, this is the attitude each person holds. 

Staying awake and aware in your partnership means the continuous expression of love, appreciation, and thoughtfulness toward your partner. 

Couples go to “sleep” when they take their partner for granted and stop putting forth effort in the relationship. 

All of the research shows that couples who continuously express appreciation for each other are happier, and couples who experience a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions have the highest rates of connected, happy partnerships. 

Notice how it doesn’t mean in a great relationship there are ZERO negative interactions; it’s that there are five times more positive ones! 

You know how there’s that saying, “the best relationships are where each person thinks they got the better end of the deal?” Let’s hang onto that. That’s how you create epic partnerships. 

You deserve a relationship where you are appreciated, considered, cared for, and loved. 

You deserve a relationship where it is safe for you to express all of who you are – your rage and pain as well as your joy and power. 

Develop your capacity to do this for others, not at the expense of yourself, but from a full heart (that’s for you, the women who know how to constantly GIVE love but struggle to receive). 

Check out The New Truth podcast episode from this week, “Signs of a Good Man in the Early Phase of Dating.” Kate and I teach you how to stop looking for red flags – and instead spot the green ones, so you can navigate who is worthy of your time and attention in the early phases of dating. By the end of this episode, you’ll know what to look for and how to be confident in receiving a good partner. 

Here’s an added secret: there’s a difference between a “nice guy” and a GOOD MAN. 

A nice guy appears a certain way at first but turns out he’s got a lot of repressed anger. A nice guy also will make sure you know what a “nice guy” he is, confusing you into continuing to give him chances. A good man has a backbone, is not a pushover nor aggressive, does not see himself as a victim in his life, and will not try to fix you, save you or control you. 

I hope you check out this episode (if you desire a male partner) and I hope you know you deserve a GOOD one. 

I love you,