Love Letter: This skill will change your relationships (10/26/22)

It still blows my mind that I have been working with people around relationships for over 10 years. For 10 years, there have been the same themes that come up with individuals and couples on why they are struggling in relationships – lack of boundaries, low self-esteem, triggers and childhood wounding, and communication. 

Lots of people like saying, “communication matters most!” with regard to relationships, but that’s pretty vague. 

Want to know what matters most? 

Being able to state clearly what you need and want without demanding it  and being able to handle it if the answer is “no.” 

Your midweek mantra is, “I am in my power when I state clearly what it is I need, what I desire, and what works for me.”✨

Passive people never ask for what they want. 

Aggressive people demand what they want. 

Assertive people ask clearly and directly for what they want and are unattached to the outcome. 

Assertive people are confident people. Women who love themselves don’t give their power away. If someone says “no” to something they need or desire, they don’t make themselves wrong for having that need or desire! 

We have to move past the shame that says, “Because ONE PERSON said ‘no,’ that means I shouldn’t want xyz or my needs are too much.”

We have to move past the fantasy idea that with the “right” partner, they will “just know” what you need without having to ask. 

That level of intuition and attunement is appropriate between parent and child (up until a certain point), but it’s not in a relationship. Especially when dating, many people are navigating dating with a whole bunch of assumptions on how things “should be” without ever having to say what they would like explicitly and then wondering why dating is so hard. 

We are all unique and different, and it’s up to us as empowered humans to discover what it is we need and want and be able to move through the world asking for it. 

If someone says no to giving it – no big deal! 

It doesn’t mean what we want is wrong or “too much.” 

It means that person is not aligned. 

This is the work of a solid sense of self and what happens when you have solid boundaries. 

Check out The New Truth podcast episode from this week, where Kate and I share the truth about “The Truth About Your Friends Dating Advice.” In this episode, we discuss the dangers and dysfunction of giving your friends dating advice – and being on the receiving end of it. We also illuminate how most of the advice you’re getting reinforces the old paradigm and the patterns leading your relationships!  

I love you,